I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize