cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
