Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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