whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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