ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
