I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize