if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
