Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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