All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think weed is turning my hair brown
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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