I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
