Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
