OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
