Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
