just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
