so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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