If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
