i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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