is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize