yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
