ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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