i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
