every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
