im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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