ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
