I faked an abortion last night.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
