i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
