My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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