I should be sponsored by Trojan
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
