if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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