big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
