I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Send help, water and tortillas.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
