the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
two words: eviction party
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize