You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
