I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
