that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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