I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
