i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
