felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
