TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
