I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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