those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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