i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
