rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
