I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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