I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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