You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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