Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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