I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize