Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
