i think my tv is drunk
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
