Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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