we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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