He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
