my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
