I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
dude. I can hear the air.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
