phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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