My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
