i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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