i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
