FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
