dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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